Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ
May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you
I was afraid of learning Islam at some point in my life. I was afraid of what people would say about me, who I would learn it from, and if I would be any good at the religion itself. I feared that I would struggle with being consistent in its teachings and if I did not stick to it, people would say, “She shouldn’t have bothered learning in the first place.”
I feared that if I did start learning the religion, I would not fit into the community of pious women who dressed in long abayas and covered hijabs. But at the same time, I would also not fit into the rest of the liberal world, a community that I was deeply intertwined with at the time. So there I was, a floating young woman, not really sure who I was or where to go, because of the possibility that I may not belong anywhere.
Even if I got over my fear of what would happen after I started learning, I didn’t even know where to start. Growing up outside of the country I reside in, I had an incredibly high prejudice against Ustads and Ustadzahs that originated from my country. This resulted in me learning (when I scarcely did) from the internet but never really implementing it in my life, because it always led back to that fear.
I would hide the fact that I was studying religion from my friends because I did not want them to think of me differently but I would also hide it from my family because I didn’t want to get their hopes up and not follow through. Now that, Alhamdulillah I’ve reached where I am now, I see that it was a very effective way for Syaitan to keep me away from the deen. A deen that I would end up loving very much and maybe deep down, I always have.
After about 19 years of being ping-ponged back and forth between being religious and being a casual Muslim, I decided I didn’t want to continue not knowing. I found that I was not happy just blindly following a faith that I know is right, but I never really chose. This did not happen over night, I did not go to sleep and wake up the next morning suddenly ready to be a committed Muslim. It was years of fighting against my own fears and my own nafs, and I mean it when I say that it’s a choice you make every single morning when you wake up for the rest of your life.
I’m going to be a better Muslim. I’m going to be an obedient Muslim. I’m going to be the best servant Allah SWT wants me to be.
I started learning the religion properly again and seeking help from others. I would try my best to read any book I could find on the religion or listen to any podcasts from teachers around the world (Muslim Central and Ilm Feed are my personal favorites!) and it softened my heart in ways that I never imagined it could.
Everyone has different callings and different strokes. Some love the religion because of the stability and rulings it gives you in your life. Others because of the logic and knowledge that is provided within the religion. A dear friend of mine loves this religion because of the fairness and justice that Islam promises. I love this religion because of the constant love Allah SWT shares with us. In the Quran, through his Messenger SAW, and through his blessings.
I chose Islam because the One God, my One God, always cherishes us and loves us. He is never a source of anxiety and is never hesitant to forgive you. One of my favorite hadiths from Sahih Muslim 2687 goes;
Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to me the by length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any idols with me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”
It’s the kind of love that people always talk about but never really have. It’s the kind of love that you are never insecure about, because you know that they love you back. You see it in the fact that you woke up this morning, you see it when you’re around people you love, you see it in all the beautiful blessings and experiences you obtain in just a single day.
I cannot compare the love that God has for us to the love of humans, but just imagine loving someone who you know with 100% certainty, has never and will never stop loving you. That He trusts you to make your own decisions, that He is always looking out for you. Some might read this and think, “If God will love me anyway, doesn’t that mean I can do whatever I want?”
That’s one way to see it, but if you love someone, don’t you want to make them happy? When you love someone, you want to make them proud of you, you want to show them that it wasn’t a mistake loving you in first place because you would never let them down. We do that with our spouses, our parents, our friends — Doesn’t Allah SWT deserve even more than that?
One of the most beautiful reflections for me is that, Allah SWT does not need us to worship Him. We are the ones who need to worship Him, because we find peace and comfort in hanging all our hopes and dreams on the One who makes our dreams a reality, if that is what He has decreed. We were made by His mercy and are able to live every day because of His mercy. He does not need us humans, but when we call Him, He listens. When we are sad, He comforts us. When we need strength, He lends us abundant amounts of it. Should we really take this for granted?
You don’t have to see it the same way I do, why I love Allah SWT and love Islam is something that I arrived at after learning much more about the religion. Like I said before, everyone has different strokes and different reasons as to why they found themselves submitting to the deen. But in the end, all reasons lead back to our one true purpose, to worship the One and All-Mighty God.
For those of you afraid to begin, I completely understand what you’re going through. So many people do. I’m so sorry that you have had to struggle alone because you don’t know who to turn to to ask religious questions to, you don’t know who to ask when you have doubts, most of all, you don’t know who to ask when your heart is yearning to learn and understand more about basically someone you have known your whole life, but never fully got to know.
Most of all, I understand that living in the world we are in now does not make our path to religion easier, with a more liberalized culture, constant exposure to harmful content, and that fear of being ridiculed for our faith. Trust me when I say that, it just makes the journey that much more rewarding. Keep in mind that Allah SWT does not reward you for your results, as this is something that is in His hands. But he rewards you for your effort and on top of that, your intention.
In addition, no matter where you are in life, no matter how far away you feel from Allah SWT and the deen right now, do not let that hinder you from starting. Allah SWT will be with you and take it from me, it is never too late to start. One of his names is Al-Ghaffar, the All and Oft-Forgiving, and He loves those who come back to Him.
The best advice I can give you to get you started is, be brave. Solidify your good intention to understand your Creator and His religion more and make du’a for the courage to seize as much knowledge as you can. Allah SWT is with those who struggle on His path, and He is always watching and knows us better than we know ourselves. Alhamdulillah.
Start your journey back to Allah SWT with;
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم (Bismillahirrahmanirrahim)
In the name of Allah SWT, the most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
I pray that my story has helped you in some way or another. May Allah SWT bless you and make your path to Him smooth and bountiful. May Allah SWT shower you with blessings in this life and the hereafter. May your heart be always steadfast on His path and for His love.
Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ
May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you.
Helpful links:
Podcasts (available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and other platforms) :
Yaqeen Institute of Research — Podcasts
Sheikh Yasir Qadhi — Seerah • Biography of Rasulullah SAW
Learning Platforms (Publications, Research Institutes, Online Universities, etc.)
